It may surprise many that the tight quarantine requirements of 2020 have not resulted in an increase in divorces and divorce rates may even have decreased. An even bigger surprise might be that the same rules for successful marriage apply to successful divorce.
It may not seem intuitive, but successful relationships involve divorce. People may not be able to live together in a committed relationship, but they are still in a relationship regardless of their legal status.
Whether you are getting married or getting a divorce, follow these 10 general rules of marriage.
10 rules for marriage (and divorce)
1. Be nice
Kindness is a trait that can’t be overemphasized, whether you’re talking about how you interact with yourself or with others. It’s what most people look for in another person. You don’t have to beat up yourself or others to get your point across. More importantly, kindness releases serotonin and oxytocin in your brain and reduces anxiety. While you can stay in good relationships with your ex, you can even live longer.
2. Be an adult:
Growing up and being emotionally mature are the foundation of a successful life. Controlling your emotions and taking responsibility will reduce stress and anxiety. Emotionally mature people care about others and try to support them. Acting emotionally mature will increase your ex-partner’s confidence that you will not do anything to intentionally harm him.
3. Don’t criticize
The basic rule of life and divorce is, “It’s better to be happy than right.” Criticizing your (ex) partner is about being right. There are many reasons relationships change, and most of them do not involve blaming the other person. Getting the other person wrong doesn’t make you feel any better. Criticism is often a projection of guilt. If you spend a lot of time criticizing your ex, you have a lot of guilt to deal with. Let go of that.
4. Love never changes
As a divorce lawyer, I always asked my clients why they married their spouses. Usually they would say “love”. Then I would ask her what happened to “love”. In general, they would say that their partner did not act the way they wanted. Sometimes my client didn’t act the way his partner wanted. You could never answer my question “What happened to love?” Directly. The truth is that love was pushed aside by more negative emotions and they didn’t know how to deal with it. Getting divorced doesn’t mean you don’t love her. You can remember this detail if you want a successful divorce (or marriage).
5. Feeling worthy
Many relationships fail because one or both people don’t feel “good enough”. They constantly demand that their partner make them happy when that is not their job. When her partner can’t make her happy, the relationship suffers. It is up to each of us to take responsibility for our own happiness.
6. Avoid code dependency
The definition of code dependency sacrifices your needs in order to meet your partner’s needs, especially when it comes to happiness. You cannot be happy if your partner is not happy and vice versa. Code dependency usually involves an unhealthy one-way relationship in which one person controls the other by manipulating their emotions. The only way to have a healthy relationship, either married or divorced, is to be in control of your own feelings. They are not responsible for their feelings as they are not responsible for yours.
7. Be honest
Relationships fail due to a lack of communication due to a lack of honesty. We either hide how we feel or we don’t want to rock the boat. The same goes for divorce and we don’t want our ex to know what we’re doing. Open lines of communication are essential for good marriages and divorces. When you have children it is important to communicate through the children. If you don’t say what you want, you won’t get it.
8. No gas light
Gas light is an abusive technique that people use to think their partner is crazy. People question their partner’s memory, refuse to communicate, trivialize their feelings, distract the conversation by questioning their partner’s motives or stereotype. Knowing when someone is lighting you with gas is important because it is such an insidious, invasive form of abuse. Keep records, talk to trusted friends, and don’t assume that someone who lights you with gas is well meant.
9. No gossip
Gossip is an evil way of proving karma exists. In other words, what you say can come back to haunt you. The best rule of thumb is to only say positive things about your ex or spouse. It is important to remember the basic rule of happiness: “What others think of me is none of my business.” The same applies to what others think of your ex-partner. Nothing good comes from playing the guilt game.
10. Keep records
Whether you are getting divorced or not, make sure you have a full set of your financial records. This includes bank statements, insurance policies, investment-related documents, certificates, vehicle titles and a list of all important assets and liabilities. It is only fair that each partner know what their fellowship and separate property from marriage are. Keeping a journal is a very good idea to keep track of both happy and unhappy times. You want to focus on the happy times, but keeping a record of the unhappy times can help you with your divorce.
These are certainly not all the rules that apply to relationships, whether marriages or divorces. However, if you follow these rules for marriage, you will find that both types of relationships are much more productive.
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