We all regret it. If someone says they don’t, don’t believe them. If you’re married and divorced, you likely have at least one major regret.
Regret is the second most common emotion that people bring up in everyday life, as some studies show. And it’s the most common negative emotion. We start expressing regret around the age of two as soon as we are able to articulate the concept of “if only …”. After that, instead of playing the cards in our hand, we keep rewriting history in our heads. Counterproductive, isn’t it?
Not always.
Sometimes a past mistake is useful as an opportunity to grow, and sometimes it isn’t. The wisdom is to know the difference. Regret isn’t a bad thing as long as you use it to your advantage.
16 women share their regrets about their divorce
I stayed too long.
I knew within six months of marrying him that I had made a mistake. Until then, he had betrayed me twice and blamed me. I internalized it all and spent the next 7 years with a serial scammer who thought he would quit if only I was more attractive, a better woman, a better cook. Thank god we never had children!
The pain my children went through.
I knew a divorce would hurt her, I had no idea how much it would hurt her. I foolishly thought that my children would be happier if they saw me happier. I learned that they didn’t care if I was happy or not. All they wanted was their family back together. That bullshit about kids who are resilient, yes it’s bullshit. And it cost my children a lot of money to buy.
Do not prepare better financially.
After giving birth to my daughter, I wondered why no one had told me how bad the labor was. After my divorce, I wondered the same thing about finances. I took it for granted that we could live on maintenance and support until I got back on my feet. NEVER assume that you are receiving maintenance.
I should have got a job and financially stable before I ever filed for divorce.
Take no action.
He was having a custody battle that terrified me. I lived scared of the man for 12 years and in the end I was scared of losing custody of my children. I gave in and gave up custody because I didn’t believe in myself to fight him.
Sleep with him again.
We were great co-parents and found a civil place to relate to after our divorce. This led us both to believe that we could be “friends with benefits.” Big mistake! I started dating, ended that part of our relationship, and it went ballistic. Needless to say, good relationships with both parents and civil friendship are a thing of the past.
Go because he didn’t “make me happy”.
The divorce didn’t make me happy either. In fact, nothing made me happy. I threw away a perfectly good husband and marriage because I thought it was his job to make me happy. These days, I am working to make myself happy and undo the mistakes I made.
Make hasty decisions.
The divorce process was hell on earth. I blamed him for a long time, but now I realize that it’s all on me. I changed my mind about what I wanted from one day to the next. I gave ultimatums he couldn’t take, damn no one could! I’ve been everywhere looking back and wondering how we both survived my madness.
I don’t trust my own instincts.
Signing a final decree that I knew wasn’t in my best interests. When I let friends and family in, I think about every decision I’ve made. I had to work on trusting myself.
Hold on to a grudge.
He went to another woman. I was despised and really wanted to let her pay. I managed to make her miserable, but it was worse for me. I lost 4 years of my life thinking about what they did to me instead of living it and enjoying it.
Have an abortion.
Two weeks after my divorce, I found out that I was pregnant. I was scared of being a single mother. I was afraid to co-educate with him for the next 18 years. I was afraid of what the coming of a broken family would do to the child. If I hadn’t been so scared, I would be holding my baby in my arms today.
I am not kinder to myself.
My guilt for leaving and separating my children’s family was like an albatross around my neck. I choked. Scourged me about it. I spent so much time making sure everyone else was fine that I forgot to make sure I was fine too.
Getting into another relationship so quickly.
God what a mistake that was. I pretended I had found the one I should always be with. I uprooted myself and moved across the country for him. Guess he just turned out to be another sneaky man. These days I spend time with family, friends and myself. No more thought that a man can cure my problems!
Make him and my marriage all my life.
I’m pretty sure I have no life outside of him and marriage ultimately killed the relationship. I didn’t have a voice or opinion of my own. How could he not be bored with me? I imitate my mother in my marriage, and in today’s world women like my mother are not doing well in marriage.
I didn’t take any of this seriously.
Not my marriage or my divorce. I took vows and then didn’t take them seriously. I filed for divorce and then didn’t take it seriously. I’ve lost a lot to realize that life is serious shit.
The money for legal fees.
We both got divorced, determined to win. I don’t know what I wanted to win, and if you asked, he probably doesn’t either. We spent a lot of money on lawyers and in the end neither of us won.
The divorce itself.
My biggest regret about my divorce is to even do it. I was 43, bored and longing for something new in my life. He told me, as well as my friends and family, that I was going through a midlife crisis. This annoyed me and made me more determined to get a divorce. Five years later I see that they were right and that it made me throw away the most important things in my life … my husband, my marriage and my family.
The tendency to feel regret can even be viewed as a virtue in that it represents a moral sensitivity to unfortunate circumstances. And divorce is an unfortunate circumstance. And if we are faced with unfortunate circumstances, if we don’t go away with regrets, are we human at all?
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