Once on the other side of the divorce, you may be stuck in negative feelings and emotions that do not allow you to move away from the past. It takes time and we all deal with our emotions in different ways. The first phase of emotional recovery that many experience is rejection.
At this stage, we refuse to experience feelings and emotions that are a necessary part of the divorce recovery process. Equally important, when you’re stuck in the rejection phase, it means that you don’t allow confusing and painful thoughts and feelings to penetrate your core.
If this sounds familiar to you and you have been unable to move forward after your divorce, you can still deny your current reality. In fact, if you find yourself doing everything you can to avoid and delay what is necessary to recover, heal, and move forward, you may be stuck here.
Things to consider about the rejection phase after divorce
You are struggling to accept the reality that you are now divorced and that part of your life is over. This means that you don’t process what the reality of the situation is like. The marriage is over and it doesn’t seem like one can take care of it. Now your life is different without that other person. As a result, your thoughts and feelings are not what they were before this traumatic experience.
In order to heal, you need to allow these uncomfortable feelings to occur.
They use rejection as a defense mechanism
Denial is the perfect way to keep you from feeling anger, guilt, sadness, pain, etc. so you don’t have to deal with difficult, uncomfortable emotions.
In the same way, it helps you not to feel the pain of loss. You are not ready (your psyche is not) to deal with these feelings and emotions. In fact, it’s almost like you’re in suspension and time has stopped. You are going through the moves of your life, but you are not actually living your best life possible by starting to move forward and rebuilding it.
You lie to yourself instead of facing facts and truths
When you are stuck in the rejection phase, you are not seeing exactly what your life is like now. You are deaf and in shock. You cannot process this new fact of your life. Because of this, you just don’t bother with it. You may have thoughts that this is not your reality now. You can make up excuses for why you are where you are, so that you and the situation feel better about yourself.
There is an elephant in the room.
You deal with negative habits
They are addictive or form negative habits and use them as coping mechanisms. Instead of letting the feelings come in and then deal with them, you may turn to an addictive behavior or an unhealthy habit that gives you brief comfort. In addition, this way you can avoid unpleasant feelings and emotions.
For example, suppose you develop an overeating habit when the thought of the past overtakes you. What you actually do is cram those feelings back along with your food. The same goes for alcohol. You may drink more than usual to “drown out your worries”.
You acquire unhealthy habits or undesirable behaviors that you use as a crutch instead of facing reality.
You’re postponing dealing with loose ends
You find it very difficult to change important documents and insurance policies.
There is likely to be a need to subtract one beneficiary and possibly add more. Here are some simple examples:
- How about if you change your will or your name? Chances are you’ll need to make a new will. You may want to change your name. Check the procedure in your state.
- How about your vehicle registration, payments, title or deed? They want to check these out and make sure you put them in your name. That is, if you now own the vehicle or are responsible for it.
- How about your checking accounts and savings accounts? It’s time to open new accounts. You should also change the names and beneficiaries of these accounts.
- How about your home If both names are on the house’s deed and the house is now yours, you want to be sure to legally change that.
If the house is no longer yours but you live in it, you’ll want to check that your name is still on the mortgage. That is, if there is a loan or mortgage on the property. You want to protect yourself from any liability or responsibility that may no longer be yours.
How to exit the rejection phase
When you can accept the reality of the situation instead of rejecting it, a door opens for change. Seeing the situation as it is in the present moment can change your mindset and perspective.
As a result, you will see opportunities and opportunities to develop yourself further. The alternative is to sit in pain and in denial of “what is”.
A good first step is to take care of the external circumstances that affect you directly. Getting your legal and financial affairs in order is a must. When you start making these external changes, you will create a little space for the internal changes that need to take place.
We know that we cannot control some things that happen in our lives. Some of the situations are “easy”. While this is true, we are in control of other parts of our lives and need to make sure that we take responsibility for them.
The key is to start somewhere
Working on issues over which we are in control makes us feel happier and more confident. As you overcome some of the challenges you are now facing, it will become easier to complete other challenges that are necessary for healing.
Yes, after the divorce there is a fear of the unknown. However, if you take care of taking that neat break that is both legally and financially necessary, you will feel more control, confidence, and power to create a little space in yourself.
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