Terri Orbuch, psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan Department of Social Research and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Easy Steps to a New and Happy Relationship, says, “Divorced people who blamed ex-spouses or even themselves had more Anxiety, depression, and insomnia as individuals blaming the way they AND their exes treated each other.
Those who held onto anger were less likely to move on, build strong new relationships, and positively and proactively address future problems. “
The majority of those who get divorced get involved in the guilt game. The divorce must be someone’s fault if in most cases the divorce is SOMETHING to blame.
What is the “something” that causes most divorces?
Lack of relationship skills or the way each spouse related and responded to each other and the problems in marriage during marriage. Unless you were in a marriage that involved domestic abuse or serial infidelity, when all was said and done, it was the dynamics in the marriage that led to the failure of the marriage.
There are 5 relationship skills we must all learn in order for a marriage to work and remain satisfactory for both spouses. Regardless of your gender or personality traits, you cannot have a healthy marriage if you do not have these skills.
5 Relationship Skills for a Healthy Marriage
1. Conflict resolution
During a conflict in your marriage, you need to know when to take a break and look into the problem again later. You have to be willing to admit when you are wrong and to apologize, and you cannot solve a problem if you keep bringing up old problems from the past. If you cannot “fight fairly”, you cannot resolve conflicts.
Most of us are ready to speak and share our feelings and thoughts on a subject. If you’re not listening to what your spouse has to say, how much you talk doesn’t matter. It is important that both spouses feel safe sharing how they are feeling and that those feelings are confirmed and not criticized.
It is sexual intimacy that holds you together as a couple. Sex is the difference between marrying someone and living with someone as a roommate. We all owe our spouses the respect to attend to their sexual needs as long as those needs are not offensive or harmful. Gaining time for intimacy with your spouse should be a top priority.
4. Life skills
How do you deal with the pressures in life? How do you respond to emergencies when they arise? A couple needs to be able to work together, make effective decisions, and solve problems. If you are someone with poor life skills, you will not be the kind of support your spouse needs when facing challenges that arise during marriage.
Can you control your impulses and emotions? Do you know your weaknesses and are you working to improve them? People with good impulse control, who are aware of their weaknesses, are better equipped to find positive solutions to negative situations. They won’t fly off the handle, make threats, or point their fingers. They strive for improvement by taking stock of how they can contribute to problems rather than looking for a scapegoat to blame the problems.
If you find yourself in anger and blaming your ex for your divorce, I suggest that you look at the marriage as a whole. Not your side or their side, but the union itself and how the lack of relationship skills played a role in your divorce.
Free yourself to move on and rebuild a full life after the divorce.
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