The decision to end your marriage will be one of the most difficult, heartbreaking decisions you will ever make in your life.
Before you leave your husband, here are 6 divorce realities you need to be aware of.
That way, when you ultimately decide to get a divorce, you can be better prepared for what lies ahead.
Reality # 1: Your life (and that of your children) is about to change in every possible way.
Leaving financial matters aside for a moment as this is covered later in this post, there are some significant changes that will occur once you are divorced.
The biggest one has to do with parenting. Even under the most liberal parenting plans, there will likely be days when you won’t see your children. This is something that is difficult to get used to, especially if you’ve been a full-time mom for most of your marriage.
The reality for your children is that they will now have to get used to commuting between two separate households.
No matter how resilient they are, this can be difficult for children.
Of course, there are things you can do as a parent to minimize the impact your separation has on them, but it will still be a great adjustment for them – and you.
Reality # 2: Divorce creates a cost, not a revenue.
Your financial picture will definitely change with a divorce – and not for the better. Divorce creates no income, only expenses. You’re looking at two mortgages or rentals, two car insurance payments, two cable bills, two cell phone plans, and so on.
If things are tight before you get a divorce, no matter how much support or alimony you think you are getting, they are sure to get even closer after your divorce.
As your income is reduced, your lifestyle will undoubtedly change. Items that were previously considered necessary are now becoming luxuries. Spending needs to be cut, and that applies to both you and your children.
For example, you may want to keep sending your kids to the $ 4,000 camp they enjoy every summer. Instead, you may have to send them to the Township Recreation Department camp for $ 250.
The experience will not be the same, but the financial realities of your life after divorce must be central and difficult decisions must be made. Putting food on the table and keeping the lights on has to be priority number one.
Reality # 3: There are very few laws about who gets what in a divorce
In the United States, 43 states out of 50 adhere to the “fair distribution” principle, which means that you and your husband must share your marital assets and liabilities in a way that you consider both fair and just.
Notice that it doesn’t say 50-50 there. Or any other percentage for that matter. And what exactly does “fair and just” mean?
When it comes to child support, each state has a formulaic policy that uses one of three models. However, in many states the guidelines represent an estimated minimum that the state believes will cost to raise your child or children. It is not a fixed formula and can be negotiated and interpreted.
And since 38 states here in the US use the “share of income” model to determine child support, that means you both pay child support. Yes, you read that right.
Each of you helped bring your children into the world. So you are in some way (even if it is very small) responsible for helping them financially.
Then there is maintenance.
Unlike child support, there are very few formulas or guidelines for determining how much child support should be appropriate. Many states use vague legal factors, but nothing that gets in the way of calculated guidelines. Therefore it is often quite difficult to reach an agreement on the amount and duration.
Reality # 4: If you try to use the legal system to hurt, punish, or take revenge on your spouse, you will hurt yourself and your children as well.
Ready for a harsh reality? The law doesn’t care who did what to whom while you were married. And the chances are extremely slim of what will affect your settlement.
Add to the mix, as you just learned, the law isn’t exactly clear about who gets what in a divorce. Using the legal system to punish your future ex-husband is a recipe for disaster and should be avoided at all costs.
Reality # 5: Lawyers are not required to get divorced.
There is no law anywhere that says you must work with an attorney at all times during a divorce. Certainly some people choose (or are forced) to hire lawyers because of trust or power imbalance issues.
However, you can get divorced without a lawyer if you and your spouse so choose.
Of course, it takes a high level of trust to negotiate without the use of lawyers. And you need to have the emotional maturity to put your differences aside and focus entirely on your children.
But if you can do both of these things, then a divorce without a lawyer is possible.
Reality # 6: The divorce method you choose will determine how peaceful, fair, child-friendly, and inexpensive your divorce will be.
There are 5 different ways to get divorced and the method you choose will go a long way in determining how peaceful, fair, inexpensive, and child-friendly your divorce will be.
It is best to take the time to review all of the divorce options available. That way, you can choose the method that works best for your particular situation.
When you have children, you want to do everything possible to end your divorce as peacefully as possible. Remember, if you get divorced, you will no longer be husband and wife, but you will always be mom and dad.
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