Grief is an integral part of healing from divorce. It’s the only inevitable response to a divorce that any partner will have to grapple with. While feelings of grief after losing a marriage and a life are natural, the grieving process can feel unnatural.
Grief cannot be rushed, so it is one of the most effective ways to relieve your pain and ensure your long-term recovery.
As with many topics for which we seek advice and advice, there are many opinions, strategies and healing methods. Grief is no different, and the choice of how to go through this delicate process can be overwhelming.
Grief cannot be defeated, and there is no rhyme or reason for travel. Taking small steps to let go of the past and say goodbye is both doable and wise. In this blog, you will learn the steps of a type of grief ritual to help you cope with your grief.
How a funeral ritual can assist you during your divorce
What is grief
By definition, grief is conflicting emotions caused by an ending or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. This definition explains why grief feels so confusing after a divorce. There is no body, but the change is painful.
Mourning is a natural human experience, but it is also learned. We develop our beliefs about grief through the modeling we experience as we grow up. It may seem like there is a right or wrong way to grieve, but it is not that simple.
In most other cultures, people scream, dance, cry, ritualize, and even celebrate loss.
However, in modern American culture, we tend to delay or indulge in our grief. Brushing aside the feelings of sadness and trying to assert yourself will only prolong the period of suffering. Many of us have been taught to be in control of our emotions, but with grief it is impossible.
Here are some common beliefs to learn from local friends or people::
- Do it privately.
- Stay busy and distracted.
- Hold back the tears.
- Do not isolate.
- Complete the stages.
- Time will heal.
- Look strong from the outside.
Theories about grief
I first learned about the process of developing grief in graduate school, where I was introduced to the grief phases by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. These include denial, anger, negotiation, depression, and acceptance.
This linear grief model gives structure to an uncontrollable emotional process. As humans, we like predictability and security. Ross’ stages provide an understanding and time frame for something very uncomfortable.
Grief is both universal and unique because each person has their own particular story and experience of loss. The grief phases listed above provide an excellent framework, but should never be more than a theory.
Sticking to Ross’ stages as the right way to grieve can make things worse by creating shame or worry when the experience is different.
Why time doesn’t heal
In my search for a more flexible mourning ritual or model, I came across the Institute for the Restoration of Grief. There have been so many insightful things to learn from this organization, but the most precious thing is that time does not heal.
One of the most common comments that grievers receive from the outside world is that the pain passes over time. There is a reduction in pain that occurs naturally over time, but this has more to do with memory than with the heart.
Memory fades over time, but time alone does not heal. What you do within that time makes all the difference.
Consider the analogy of a flat tire. When you have a flat tire, do you just sit on the side of the road waiting for the air to magically re-inflate the tire? Or do you pull the spare part out of your trunk or give AAA a call?
Mourning as a ritual
Real grief requires drive and effort. It’s something you want to recover from; It’s not something you want to dwell in forever.
An excellent way to grieve about the divorce is to use a mourning ritual. Rituals are ceremonial acts that bring intent and integrity to mourning. When we ritualize something, we give our full attention and effort.
It’s time to let go of the platitudes and take a more proactive stance on grief.
Here are four steps to completing a funeral ritual, to let go of the past, to move forward:
Step 1: make a let-go list
Who doesn’t love a great list? We do them all the time for what we need to do or for groceries, but lists are also helpful for clarity. Create a quiet space for reflection. Have a notebook and pen handy, and when you’re ready, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Open the notebook and make a list of all the thoughts, feelings, memories, and attachments that you want to let go of in the service of progress. Once you have your list, go back and choose the top three to five losses that you want to make a letting go ritual.
Step 2: Specify your publication
Now that you have your specific losses, it is time to put them into more concrete form, off the paper. You will choose something that represents what you publish in material form. Objects from nature are nice for this practice. Pick up some stones, branches, flowers, or pine cones and assign a loss to each. You can even paint a word that represents what you will let go of on the rocks. The only specific instruction here is that the item be reabsorbed into the earth, so it must be biodegradable and environmentally friendly.
Step 3: Write a laudation
That sounds morbid, but it’s a way to honor your marriage and let go of what you no longer want to carry around with you. This is not an eulogy for your ex, although you can mention him or her. Treat your laudation as a tribute. What is the legacy? What did you learn? What was valuable? An eulogy can provide insight into the more positive aspects of marriage.
Step 4: perform the funeral
Mother Earth is an excellent container for our pain, and divorce is often referred to as death without a body, so this step is gratifying. Find a nice place to dig a small hole to bury your natural items. Before you put your concrete objects in the ground, say the following sentence:
“Thank you, mother earth, for holding back my pain and for helping me to relieve my suffering. I am ready to let go of what I am giving you today. I am eternally grateful for your support. “
Cover your grave with soil, then read your funeral oration aloud.
The experience of grief is as unpredictable as it is universal. Explore the many rituals that mourners can practice and create a meaningful conclusion that suits you exactly.
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