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Are mothers[1] Afraid of losing custody in family court which is supported by these online articles and videos?
Google the word “narcissist” and you will find articles like “Levels of Narcissism-Terrific Self-Flexion”, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder Help”, “11 Signs That You Are Dating A Narcissist” and “How To Deal With A” narcissist. ”
Add the word “custody” to the search and the videos “How to Get A Narcissist To Reveal Himself,” “Preparing For Your Day In Court With A Narcissistic Spouse,” and Tina Swithin’s “One Mom’s Battle” (OMB ) appear.
A search for “Children and a Narcissistic Parent” brings up Today’s Psychology, “The Psychological Impact of Narcissistic Parents on Their Children,” and from Forbes, “How Raising a Narcissist Harms Your Life …”
What is Narcissism?
The DSM V lists Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) under Cluster B Personality Disorders as follows: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning in early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, such as through five (or more) of the following specified:
1. Has a terrific sense of self-importance (transmits achievements and talents, expected without being recognized as superior).
2. Engages with fantasies of unlimited success, strength, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood or associated with other special or high-ranking persons (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement (ie, unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations).
6. Is interpersonal exploitative (ie using others to achieve his own goals).
7. Lack of empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often jealous of others or thinks that others are jealous of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
What should you do when you find yourself in a custody battle with what you believe or even know as a narcissist?
DO NOT diagnose. You are not a psychologist and even if you are, you will not diagnose your spouse in court or allow your lawyer to do so. They are not psychologists either. Pay attention to behavior patterns and how they affect your children. It is always a child analysis best interest when it comes to a custody decision.
How should you deal with the narcissist? You will never win an argument with a narcissist. They can’t let it happen and you will just get frustrated and upset which they will then use against you claiming that you are emotionally unstable.
Should You Mediate With A Narcissist? If your jurisdiction requires this of all custody disputes, ask them to be in separate rooms and be sure beforehand that the mediator will recognize the narcissist for who he is. Find out if the mediator is producing the court report. When the mediator seems to be sucked into it Narcissist, see if you can request another mediator or stop the process.
How can you negotiate with a narcissist? In general, there is only one outcome that the narcissist will accept and that is the outcome desired. They will keep trying to take control of the process and causing delays that you blame along the way. They will try to reinforce their own behavior and turn you into an emotionally psychologically unstable parent. Joint custody is a victory for them, but it can be a devastating loss for you and your children. They will also use finance to punish and convince you. Only one test can be used to discover the truth.
How can I convince the judge of the truth about my children’s parenting?
- Keep all records of everything … calendars, testimonials, photos, videos, doctor visits. These will help you remember details.
- Don’t let the narcissist control the story or version of the facts. Challenge every lie with the truth, including email and text. Remember that any email or text you write can be used against you in court.
- Use prudence if it is best for the children to switch to a weekend for a special occasion, for example.
- Don’t leave unpleasant messages on the narcissist’s voicemail.
- Keep a journal of what happened during the conflict. Remember that this can be “discovered” by the other side. So write as if it were read in court.
- Try to keep your children out of the conflict. Don’t let her pull in the middle of an arm even when you’re on the right.
- Don’t react negativity to negativity with more negativity … no “e-bombs”. Keep your communication with the narcissist simple and clean, polite, courteous and calm. Focus on the children and their needs.
- Limit texts and emails to “just the facts” … directly about the children and their needs. Deny everything that is not true, but do so without resentment. Simply, “I do not accept or approve your version of these events.”
- Ask for the child’s passports to be kept by the court or a professional in the case. Place the children’s names on the State Dept.’s watchlist.
Warning !: What if it seems the court is getting it and is in my favor?
Above all, be careful now as the narcissist may take matters into their own hands if they fear losing in court. Now you may need to protect yourself and your children. A mother in Manhattan jumped off a building with her son in 2018. A mother abducted her son to Costa Rica in 2018.
Finally. There is no handbook for cookie cutters for custody disputes.
Much of these self-help materials have been written by non-professionals sharing their own experiences in custody disputes in order to provide “helpful” information to the public. Remember that each case is different based solely on its own facts. There are a few strategies that you may find helpful. others may not.
[1] Men are more likely to be narcissists than women, according to a study by the University of Buffalo.
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