My ex-husband moved in. He pays $150 for cable, his solely expense, and provides me the silent remedy if I ask him to pay for dinner
I came back with my ex-husband for our kids and thought it would be better to raise them in a two-parent house. We had a bitter divorce and I’m the one who paid for it, both financially and emotionally. I came back with him because our daughter is closer to him and always wants him with her.
During our divorce, he was rarely around the children and only saw them at will. If we had to celebrate any successes, I invited him – and for that, of course.
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“After two years of formal divorce, my ex and I had a discussion trying to sort things out for our two youngest children.”
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When we split up, I was great alone with the kids. I managed to get an apartment, pay for health insurance, and even continue my youngest son’s private school.
My daughter fell into a depression and wanted to see her father again and again. He wouldn’t come when she wanted, not even for her advice. He was in bachelorette mode and had someone two years older than our oldest son.
After two years of formal divorce, my ex and I had a discussion to try and sort things out for our two youngest children. It was up and down, really ugly at times to the point where I have to cry softly in the shower.
I pay 90% of everything, maybe even more. He pays his own loans, and the only thing he pays in the house is the internet bill, which is about $ 150 a month. Sometimes he doesn’t even pay for it and we get cut off.
Our children are in online school due to COVID. Our oldest son, 19, is in the military.
My ex-husband and now living friend asks to eat out and we do most of the time. I pay for it. But in the past week he paid twice for our meals, which cost $ 150. When he asked me to pay for our last meal, I said no because the kids have a dentist appointment this weekend and I have to pay over $ 600 for their teeth.
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‘We had an argument that he had to pay for dinner. Now I think I should just transfer the money for the two dinners he paid for to avoid all of this. ‘
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We had an argument that he had to pay for dinner. Now I think I should just transfer the money for the two dinners he paid for to avoid all of this. He still hasn’t spoken to me or slept in our room since last night.
I should add: I never asked for child support, or asked him to pay for the children when we were divorced. Things didn’t go well when I asked to pay for half of our son’s private school.
He also checks my bank accounts to see when and where I spend my money when I am with my brothers and eldest son and complains that I am using my money on them. I explained that they would give me the money and I just wiped my card.
Financially stable, love lost
You can email The Moneyist at [email protected] with any financial or ethical questions.
Dear Stable & Lost,
What happens when you pull the plug on your ex-husband’s abusive grifting?
This is a question that you need to answer and go through before claiming the life you deserve. I don’t know what influence your ex-husband has on you, whether it is an emotional addiction or if you simply believed that your children would benefit from having him with you. But your ex-husband has his family ties armed so you can pay his way.
Here is a textbook definition of economic abuse: “In addition to physical, sexual, and psychological abuse, economic abuse is a common control tactic of intimate partner violence that is as common as physical and psychological abuse.”
“Defined as” controlling a woman’s ability to acquire, use and maintain economic resources, thereby threatening her economic security and potential for self-sufficiency, “it is an obsessive-compulsive behavior that makes the victim economically dependent on and above her partner There is also a risk of continued abuse, ”he adds.
The trick this guy pulled is that you do all the work and pay for all the bills while taking advantage of all the benefits. In most households, this regulation goes so far beyond the realm of acceptance that it contradicts logic. For this reason, I suggest that you seek advice and help from family members – not just to repeat what you told me, but to take action.
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“You have to put yourself first.”
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What shouldn’t happen is that you keep telling this story over and over and become so entangled in every little argument and potentially forced step your ex takes that you can longer distinguish where your emotional and financial needs start and where they end. This is clearly an unhealthy, unbalanced, and unacceptable relationship.
If you are not okay with being alone and accepting other people getting mad at you, keeping you quiet, and trying other methods to get you to bow to their will, you will forever be in other people’s whims be required. You need to put yourself first.
Here are more questions, in case you answered yes, that are signs of financial abuse as described by WomensLaw.org, a Brooklyn-based project helping women cope with such situations:
“Do you feel you have no right to know details about money or household resources?”
“Are you forcing you to post all of the money you spend by, for example, requesting receipts?”
“Are you overusing your credit cards or refusing to pay the bills (which ruins your credit)? Refusing to work to support the family? “
Read more here:
“If you answered ‘yes’ to more than one of these questions, your partner may be abusing you financially. If there is financial abuse, there can likely be other forms of abuse in your relationship, ”adds WomensLaw.org.
He can stand on his own two feet, pay his own bills, and find someone to listen to his nonsense and nonsense – good luck with that – and you should get back to Plan A. A life where you are your own person, free from tantrums and bullying from your ex-husband.
Why are you giving the key to your life to someone who brings misfortune, criticism and chaos? A leopard does not change places. It just climbs another tree every now and then. It is time for you to see your ex-husband for what he is through his actions and ignore his amateur drama once and for all.
The good news is you have come this far. You are divorced. You must now separate emotionally and physically in addition to the legal aspects. And considering how stuck you are in that pattern, you need help to do that. You have to want it for yourself and believe that you deserve it. Please believe me when I tell you you do.
Do you experience domestic violence or coercive control? Call the national domestic violence hotlineat 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.FreeFrom works to provide financial security for domestic violence survivors, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence supports efforts to change the conditions that lead to domestic violence and coercive control. Here you can also learn how to create a personalized security plan.
Would you like to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitterand read more of his columns Here.
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