Have I hit writer’s block? Or maybe I just got the feeling of. “speechless”.
I just don’t know what to talk about anymore because it relates to me, me and me. And I don’t like that feeling. But I want to try. I have to try I have to lean into new headwinds and start writing!
I seriously need to remind myself that I’m now over 60, I swear I still feel 40. Could this just be the bookmark I’ve set up for 20 years when I preferred to raise my family on my own instead of just raising myself?
Meet the man of my dreams
I had a dream last night and in that dream was a cast of characters I haven’t spoken to or even thought about in 20 years. I woke up feeling like it was a placeholder for a time and a person I was so long ago. But when I woke up, I quickly realized that time didn’t stand still for me. It just kept moving … it just couldn’t wait that long. I’m still working as hard as I was 20 years ago and for the first time I don’t feel my bubbling self, which always carried this hope that one day I would have absolute security within me and meet the man of my dreams.
Someone to share time, life and family with. Someone who is intellectually stimulating, goofy, and fun at the same time. Those who have crossed my path over the years have been a waste of my time, beauty, and youth, and they never cared about me. But maybe for some reason they should have crossed my path. One day I hope to find out why. One day I hope to find out the reasons for many “things” that I had to endure on my own.
I am looking for therapy
A reader of one of my previous articles once told me to seek therapy for hacking and rewarming my divorce and obviously broken heart. In the end, I actually agreed with her, but was sad that she put me to shame for my latent grief. It was just my personal story and my feelings. You see, I got divorced for infidelity and suddenly I was a single mother when my two children were an infant and a toddler.
I did not expect to be abandoned. I just didn’t see it coming.
So I surrounded myself with high profile friends and family who wouldn’t allow me to grieve for a minute, let alone 20 years. So I haven’t. I just got everything through and followed the call that all high-flyers seek … that is … to succeed whatever life throws at us!
But in the process I learned not to feel myself. And 20 years later, I’m really, really good at it. I’ve learned that my feelings will never replace my children’s needs. They needed me more than I needed to stop the bus and get off and take a breath. So I never did. Unfortunately, to my surprise or not … I have realized how proficient I have become at suppressing my own needs.
I learned to be the best employee because I had to succeed.
I’ve learned to be the best mom I could be. They only had one parent each day and it was me.
I learned how to be the best ex-wife (although I’m sure he wouldn’t agree) and to this day have never met the woman he left and eventually got married for.
I learned that when I had to allow him to take the kids with him on his weekends, I could just close the door to my world, aka … the bedroom upstairs, and stay there until they were brought to my home. I just couldn’t function without my child and toddler in those early days. You were taken home to a woman I had never met and it almost killed me.
I also lost a lot of weight in those early days from not getting enough sleep and food. It was all so unnatural and so unnecessary. And it was cruel.
Stuff my grief
But I’ve learned to fill my heartache. My little daughter is now 21 years old and we talked about it recently. She’s in a relationship of her own now and she told me she didn’t know how I could have survived this. She’s old enough now to see how awful this must have been for me.
She also said she never felt my sadness or trauma. Her memories are joyful every time she comes home after the weekends at her father’s house. They were also happy because I was so happy to see them. It was just not natural to hand over two such young children to a man who wanted to quit his job and to a strange woman who was a reason for being so destructive and traumatic.
She remembered who she was and the game changed. Lalah Delia
It took a Herculean effort to get to the stage where after so many years I am not only a single mother but also a single woman.
Be the best that I can be
I was brought into this world as a twin, so it is not natural for me to be single in any way. I was always one of the twins. I am the Karen of my twin sister Sharon. I am also one of five children. A family choir was full of high-flyers when I literally courted a brother who is a Supreme Court Justice and a sister who was a school principle who wrote ten books. Visit them at www.meriamwilhelm.com. My other two sisters have been very successful in their respective fields of education and law, and have all raised another generation of successful engineers, nurses, film managers, and medical students. We have all learned to be the best we could be at all times, and we have arguably shared that need with our children.
I had to go back to my roots to survive those early days as a single mother and now as I navigate my way to this possible final chapter of my life. You could say I saved the best for last. At least that’s what I intend to say!
To the point this woman has made about me, I am actually taking her advice and speaking now. I take the advice of the universe and get myself out of there … on every possible level too.
My former baby daughter will be going to college this summer. My former toddler son will explore new avenues and adventures while serving in the US Congress. And I myself have been extending my career in the hotel industry over the past 30 years by joining various advisory boards, participating in foundation positions and visiting colleges. And I’m still growing and stretching in my new passion.
I am now a life coach for divorced mothers and I am about to start an apprenticeship in this field. What I’ve learned over the past 20 years is that I still have something to say and share. I am still valuable. I’m still whole I’m just a different kind of whole.
And while I still hope to be a “we” to my current “me,” I want to take what I’ve learned from my ex-husband and the men I’ve dated over the years and nothing expect less than I deserve. I am a woman of integrity, intelligence, compassion and loyalty. I am a hook! And because of my sacrifices and priorities, I believe that I deserve to be loved, cared for, and important to someone.
So maybe I am not stuck. Maybe I don’t have writer’s block after all. Maybe I’ve found more words and wisdom to share. When I finish every article I write for DivorcedMoms.com my goal is always to help just one woman and convince her that she is amazing every day. Even if she doesn’t feel it all the time. No one or person has your permission to take your power away.
I am a single parent! What is your superpower
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