If you’re divorced and still feel guilty or ashamed of asking what you want, you may be grappling with common divorce myths that make you feel unworthy. Today you will learn about the top divorce myths that are keeping you from getting what you want. And learn the powerful steps to shatter these myths.
Divorce Myth # 1: It Is Selfish To Ask For What You Want
I don’t know about you, but many of the messages I received as a child were that women should aspire to be holy and selfless mothers and wives. Divorce wasn’t even an option. I think when I became Catholic it also meant that infamous Catholic guilt permeated everything I did.
We were taught from an early age that if you want something for yourself, you are selfish.
This toxicity definitely took hold when I was married. Whether it was my own guilt or just feeding on all the social tales that told me to have the house clean, dinner on the table and always ready and willing to have sex with my then-husband, me Remember, feeling like I ever said, “Why don’t you make dinner?” Or something like that, I would come across as in need of care – a harpy, a nag, in other words – a selfish slut.
Have you ever felt this way in your marriage?
Do you still feel this way even after you’re divorced?
You can struggle to feel selfish after the divorce if you don’t want to take care of your grandchildren this weekend.
Or you may feel guilty about asking for paid time off from work.
But here is what you need to know.
The Truth: Asking what you want isn’t selfish. It’s healthy and absolutely vital to your divorce and future well-being.
Even if society and your family * never * thought of what you wanted.
Even if in your marriage you believed that what you wanted didn’t matter.
Even when you’ve been conditioned to think that you should put everyone’s needs above your own.
Asking what you want is not selfish. It’s not forgiving.
It’s just encouraging and necessary if you want to get out of the divorce breeze that is holding you from moving on.
Divorce Myth # 2: Asking What You Want Is Narcissistic
Standing up for yourself after the divorce is not narcissistic.
Perhaps someone convinced you that it was wrong to ask for what you want. That person could have been your ex. Or a parent. Or someone else you loved.
But just because they made you believe it was wrong to ask what you want doesn’t mean it was.
The Truth: Asking what you want without an apology after the divorce is an act of courage, not narcissism. It means giving yourself permission to appreciate yourself in a world that may not value you.
Divorce Myth # 3: It’s Just Too Hard
Asking what you want – and not apologizing for it or justifying it to anyone – definitely takes work. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And now that you’re divorced, you can take back the world.
Think about a time when you did something that you were afraid or afraid of. Whether it was a full course load in college (can I even remember my college days ?!) someone got to work on time after dropping your kids off at daycare when they were babies and you were a younger mom, or hell – getting through your divorce and dealing with the emotions and finances of this circus – no matter how hard it was, you got your way.
Because you believed in yourself and knew that you could do better.
The Truth: Asking what you want and standing up for yourself after a divorce are the same thing. It will take work. It will take practice. And you will have to do it again and again. But that doesn’t make it “too difficult”. That makes it something you owe to yourself. Especially after the divorce.
Divorce Myth # 4: You Didn’t Deserve It
If you’re anything like me, you probably carry that weight that you should be grateful for the things you have. You may have heard it from your family. In the church. Or even at work. These poisonous myths sound like:
“You should just be grateful for what you have.”
“That’s a bit of a asking, isn’t it?”
“Why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?”
And we tend to believe why we feel bad about asking for help. Or to ask for more in our life.
This myth keeps us from investing in ourselves. Or treat ourselves. Or taking care of ourselves at the expense of our mental health.
The Truth: You 100% deserve to ask for what you want. It is your right. And it is your responsibility.
Messages of your unworthiness most likely came from poisonous patriarchal values designed to make divorced women like you feel ashamed and unworthy of them.
It doesn’t matter if your parents – especially if you can do it from a large family with limited resources – told you to just be happy with what you have. You were wrong.
It doesn’t matter if the social message “just be grateful” is floating around in your head, even if you know you are not happy and you know you deserve more.
This is * your time *, and you deserve to confidently ask for what you want.
Even if you are divorced.
And especially if you feel guilty or ashamed after the divorce.
It’s time to ask for what you want. Because you deserve it.
Martha Bodyfelt is a divorce coach who helps professional divorced women overcome their divorce loneliness and break free of the patterns they are stuck with so they can feel fulfilled, have more fun and live fearlessly.
To find out what is * really * holding you down after the divorce, visit https://marthabodyfelt.com/ and take the 30-second quiz.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash