Telling your spouse that not only is the honeymoon over, but marriage requires planning and sensitivity. How you file for divorce depends on the maturity of the spouses involved and their ability to control their emotions. If you live with a drama king or queen, it won’t be easy.
How the termination of the marriage is approached depends on the reasons for the decision. The most common reasons for divorce are the inability to communicate and understand one another, infidelity, abuse, finance, control, and unreasonable expectations. These are usually caused by misunderstandings about what marriage and love is all about.
Here are tips on how to file for divorce
What does love (and self-love) have to do with it?
A long time ago I wrote a book describing the nature of love, “What is love?” It can be downloaded for free from www.jamesgrayrobinson.com. Most people have no idea what love is and get married for many reasons that do not include love, which makes divorce difficult. When two people love each other but decide the marriage isn’t working, divorce is easy (or at least easier).
You can only love someone as much as you love yourself. You have to be very honest with yourself about your motivation for wanting a divorce. If you want a divorce because you are unsafe, it is self-motivated. If you’re trying to get a divorce because you’re bored, shackled, new to someone, or tired of the relationship, the motivation is different from self-love.
In short, if you don’t love yourself and seek a divorce for selfish reasons, the divorce is likely to be emotionally charged. To ask for a divorce peacefully, you need to have compassion and anticipate their feelings.
I was a divorce lawyer for many years and got divorced twice. I’ve always joked that I know more ways to end a marriage than to make a good one. I’ve seen couples divorce amicably, and I’ve seen Armageddon. The level of suffering is inversely proportional to how much you care for them. Here are six things to consider when spreading the news:
1. Go to marriage counseling first.
If you did not express dissatisfaction with the relationship prior to your divorce, then you need to ask them to go for a counseling with you. It is not fair if you have not been honest about your feelings and problems in the relationship during the marriage and suddenly you bring the news that you are about to divorce. The purpose of counseling is not just to save the marriage, but to convey to the couple that divorce is a good idea. It is not inconceivable that you can discover the real reason behind your desire for divorce and make the marriage more beneficial. If they refuse to leave, you have transitioned to petition for divorce and they will not be caught off guard.
2. Treat it like an offer.
How did you suggest or suggest? Recreate the scene. Allow them to feel as safe as possible and let them know that you take care of them. Many people react emotionally and negatively because they feel attacked and rejected. Hopefully, if you show them that you care, they won’t get triggered and will be able to rationalize the divorce.
3. Rise up financially.
If you are the supportive spouse or breadwinner, you are expected to support your spouse for a period of time. Letting them know that you are ready for this can help avoid their future fears. The amount of fear you feel is inversely proportional to your possessiveness. If you are ready to give them everything, they will not be threatened. The more you can share, the less they will trigger. Generosity goes a long way.
4. Have a plan.
The more answers you have to their concerns, the better. Get legal advice before announcing a divorce. There are some smart pre-divorce planning steps that you may need to know before divorce becomes an issue.
5. Look for the positive.
Remember that there must have been a reason for your marriage. I always asked my clients why they got married and what happened. Often times they blamed the other spouse, but something changed about my client. All perception is projection. If you can remember the good times and remind your spouse that you remember those good times, things will go more smoothly.
6. Put the children at the center.
When you have kids, it can’t be about you. You have to put them at the center. If not, there will be unpleasant rewards.
Remember, you are ending a marriage, not the relationship. Just because the marriage ends doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. The more you can support the other, as in any relationship, the better.
The art and skill of filing for divorce must anticipate the fears, needs, and negative emotions that your spouse will experience when you bring the subject up. Feelings of anger, rejection, abandonment, and revenge are to be expected when the relationship is not a loving one. The fear of the future will also be great in their minds. The way in which you ask is determined by your emotional maturity and level of experience.
Unfortunately for some people the reaction will be volcanic and catastrophic no matter what you do. Focus on helping them with fear, anger, or rejection and you will see a much more peaceful outcome.
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