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The Artwork Of Avoiding Arguments With Your Accomplice

We’ve all been there before: involved in an argument with our partner, caught up in emotions, and perhaps most importantly, unsure of how something seemingly small was escalating. The sensitive issue of who is “right” and who is “wrong” in a conflict between a couple often misses the point and prevents the partners from constructively going beyond the argument, which provides helpful tools to avoid future disputes.

For example, Alyssa, 45, and Rick, 46, are embroiled in an ongoing argument about small matters that often quickly escalates into a full-blown argument. Recently, Alyssa noticed Rick’s credit card statement on his desk and saw a $ 125.00 charge in his favorite bike shop. Without stopping to gather information, she accused him of being extravagant and he counterattacked by blaming her for her financial troubles for reducing her working hours to spend time with her two children. After she calmed down later that evening, she found that the bike shop fee was for her children.

Avoid arguments with your partner

Stop trying, Prove a point and try to repair it

What Alyssa and Rick need is a way to blame each other and get rid of their pattern to prove a point. You can benefit by developing a team approach to conflict resolution – and realizing that working together is more important than being right. If each partner asserts his position and differences are addressed, a solution is possible and a partnership develops. It is important to maintain love and solidarity and to get back on track after an argument.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman attempts to repair as the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples that enable their marriage to flourish rather than fail. An attempted repair is any statement or action – verbal, physical, or otherwise – aimed at dispelling negativity and preventing a conflict from escalating.

In over 40 years of research in his classic “Love Lab” studies, Dr. John Gottman that the best solution to marital problems is to acquire good repair skills. He explains that attempting to repair can get a couple back on track after an argument and is an important way to avoid resentment.

At the beginning of their relationship, Alyssa and Rick were so excited that they discovered they were focusing more on what they had in common than what they were different. After a while, the emotional baggage from previous relationships made them overreact to triggers (like spending money) and they began to be more critical and defensive with one another. They lost sight of the loving feelings that brought them together in the first place.

As Alyssa put it, “We tend to get irrational and dig in our heels when we fight – which makes things worse. Rick would say, “You’re always right, Alyssa, you know you’re always right.” Alyssa paused and continued, “That would upset me even more. So now I say: “I don’t always want to be right, I want you to understand where I come from. And if that means we can’t talk about it now, I’ll go into the next room and read until we cool off. “

Rick explains, “Usually one of us would say,“ I love you and I want to go through everything we don’t understand. Can we be friends That gets us through our struggles, we are best friends. “

Dealing with hidden problems

Remember to suspect “hidden issues” when trivial issues are disproportionate. For example, the money dispute between Alyssa and Rick used to be not really about buying a bike shop, but about power and control in the family. Additionally, when people don’t feel recognized for what they have to contribute and don’t feel confident enough to express negative feelings, they can blow up a trivial problem like leaving dishes in the sink.

In The Fight For Your Marriage, D. Howard J. Markman Ph.D. explains that “hidden issues” are a sign that couples are holding their scores, feeling unrecognized and not working together as teammates. He explains that hidden issues reflect the unspoken expectations, needs, and feelings that, if left unheeded, can cause great harm to your marriage. Markman believes that most couples only deal with problems in the context of events. In other words, a topic only gets attention when it comes down to it.

Patterns that can affect the quality of your relationship

According to Howard Markman Ph.D. happily married couples are more likely to fight negative relationship patterns than against each other. In fact, he advises couples to watch out for the four patterns that can undermine the quality of a relationship: escalation, devaluation, negative interpretation, and withdrawal and avoidance.

  1. Try to prove a point or raise the stake. For example, walking away or asking for some space when you feel like your buttons are being pressed can spark an argument. When the escalation shorts out, Markman says it’s usually because a partner is pulling back or saying something to de-escalate the argument – break the negative cycle.
  2. Invalidation is a pattern in which a partner puts down thoughts and feelings, or character. of the other partner either subtly or directly. The best way to avoid your partner being devalued is to show them respect and acknowledge their different perspectives. For example, when Alyssa discovered the bike shop’s charge, she was able to say, “I realize you need an explanation for the prosecution, can we talk about it?”
  3. Negative interpretations occur when having a partner consistently believes that her partner’s motives are more negative than they actually are. For example, if Rick is mad at Alyssa for being too lenient with her kids when it comes to chores, he might say, “You’re such a pushover, they’re taking advantage of you.” He may not realize that she just asked her to set the table.
  4. Withdrawal or avoidance involves the reluctance of one or both partners sticking to an important discussion, either by switching off during an argument or not being willing to engage in a discussion (avoidance). When this happens, it can lead to persistent resentment.

Every relationship has its inevitable difficulties, and conflict comes with the territory. Sometimes couples avoid conflict because it marked the end of a previous relationship or led to bitter arguments that were never resolved. Avoiding conflict setbacks in intimate relationships. Containing negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior. However, one of the secrets of a good marriage is learning to choose battles wisely, and to distinguish between the little things and the really important ones.

For example, Rick learned that arguing about the dishes left in the sink was hardly worth the fight. Instead of writing dots, he and Alyssa sat down with their children and discussed a schedule for household chores and family responsibilities. Rick and Alyssa were surprised their kids got involved in the plan as long as they could take Friday off and have pizza delivered with their friends. Rick and Alyssa found that their new approach to avoiding arguments and trying to repair was a win-win for their entire family!

Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook and movingpastdivorce.com

More from Terry:

5 ways not to settle for less than you deserve in a relationship

Am I doomed to repeat patterns from the past?

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