Find out how to Keep away from Making The Identical Relationship Errors Over And Over Once more
Have you ever wondered if you can get out of the shadows of past relationships? It’s not uncommon for people who are divorced or split up with someone significant to be attracted to the same or similar types of partners.
But as you grow and learn about yourself, it is important to look at the choices you make in romantic partners and see what lessons can be learned from your experience.
As you become more aware of the red flags that can indicate problems, you can also choose partners who are able to maintain a loving, romantic relationship. The key to healing from the past is making a decision not to devote your energies to saving a negative relationship. If you believe that you are worthy of love and happiness, you will not settle for less than you deserve in relationships.
Carolyn, an attractive and intelligent single mom in her early 40s, repeats negative patterns from her past. She tends to fall in love with men who are emotionally distant like her father, who left when he was seven. Carolyn ponders, “I keep wasting time with the same men, men who have hurt me, who are unfaithful and who leave me alone.” Her comments reflect the feelings of many of my clients who just can’t get away from being emotionally attached Resolve available or inappropriate partners.
Worried about making the same mistakes over and over again? Getting out of denial and the influences of the past is a huge hurdle. But you have the opportunity to learn from your experiences and build a relationship that you have missed in the past.
Here are 11 ways to avoid the same relationship mistakes:
Become aware of your own story – which goes back to childhood.
For example, if you are a people lover, you may be drawn to partners who you want to fix or fix. Learn more about how your parents’ unhealthy patterns have affected your partner choices.
Accept your share of the dynamic.
For example, if you’ve experienced a persecutor-distancing pattern, you may find that you have a tendency to avoid intimacy (distancing) or fear abandonment (persecutor). It is natural for a person to view their style as preferred and to be convinced that their partner needs to change – and to neglect to see their role in the tug-of-war for intimacy.
Examine your expectations of intimate relationships.
You could focus on your dream of what a relationship should be, rather than reality as it is – which leads to disappointment. There is no such thing as a soul mate or perfect partner.
Let go of the victim and positive things will happen.
When you see yourself as a victim, your actions are confirming a negative view of yourself. Instead, focus on the strengths that have helped you so far in life. Don’t worry about previous decisions made by partners, learn from them.
Do not rush into a romantic relationship.
Make sure you have dated someone for at least two years and are in your late 20s at least before making a lifetime commitment to reducing the chances of divorce.
Make sure you have common values with people you date.
When you marry someone of drastically different values, you will face complex problems that could put you at greater risk of divorce.
Try not to compare your relationship with your friends.
Relationship envy or fear of being alone can lead you to stick with an unacceptable partner or to settle for someone who doesn’t suit you.
Stop comparing your own romantic relationships with your parents.
Try to see yourself as able to learn from the past rather than repeating it.
Use positive intent.
For example, “I am able to build loving, trusting relationships.” Recognize the novelty of each day and that you have the power to make positive things happen.
Focus on the things that you can control.
Realize that you cannot control your ex or parent’s behavior, but you can choose a life partner who shares your view of love, loyalty, and commitment.
Write a new narrative or story.
For your life – one where you take the time to choose partners who are trustworthy and willing to work on a committed relationship if that is your desire.
There are many reasons adults get stuck in the past and have difficulty building healthy relationships in the present. You may find yourself in relationship patterns that reflect your family of origin. It is understandable to repeat patterns that you have observed in your parents’ home.
Another factor could be what Freud calls repetition compulsion. This is a tendency that people have to repeat patterns from the past in order to master them. Either way, becoming more aware of unhealthy relationship patterns can be a good first step.
Beth, an energetic woman in her late thirties, struggled with ghosts from the past for over two decades and experienced turmoil in romantic relationships. Because she had little insight into her past, she acted out the painful memories of her parents’ marriage and the subsequent separation. Beth’s parents split when she was nine when her mother discovered that her father had cheated on her for years.
During young adulthood, Beth struggled through a series of unhealthy, short-term relationships until she met her fiancé Rick at the age of thirty-six. Before meeting Rick, they hadn’t had a healthy relationship. She admits to sabotaging her relationships through distrust and control. When Beth describes her problem with trust, she says, “Trust and communication are great difficulties for me.
I tend to hold onto everything and then blow it up. It takes a lot to win my trust and if it’s broken there is a chance it won’t be got back. Fortunately, Rick earned Beth’s trust by agreeing with his words and actions over a period of several years. Beth works on her fear of being vulnerable and not holding onto her feelings with Rick – so that they can reach a deeper level of intimacy.
Beth avoided making a commitment for nearly a decade because she was suspicious and fearful of ending up like her parents. Like many divorce daughters, she needed special permission to mourn the loss of her original family. With the support of an experienced therapist, Beth gained the insight to break her self-destructive pattern of suspicion and fear of engagement.
The benefits of not starting a romantic relationship paid off for Beth as she and Rick gradually built trust. have better friendship, less disagreement, and less disappointment.
With time and patience, you can begin to imagine the kind of life it will take to thrive. You don’t have to let your past dictate the decisions you make today. To restore your belief in love, you need to build relationships based on love, trust, and intimacy. Remember to be gentle with yourself and others on your journey.
Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook and Movingpastdivorce.com
More from Terry:
5 Ways Not To Be Satisfied With Less Than You Deserve In A Relationship
Am I doomed to repeat patterns from the past?