“Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in the city of angels?
Alone like me, we cry together … “
– Red hot chili peppers
Let’s face it, being divorced can be lonely. For better or worse, you’ve spent years having a partner in life. You had someone to eat, to lie on, and someone to share your ideas with. When your spouse becomes separated from your life, you feel the shock and reality of being alone. You don’t have a partner.
Suddenly, the people around you all seem to be together. When you were unhappily married, you probably didn’t realize it. At the time, it was natural to be jealous of single friends who didn’t have to live within the confines of an unhappy marriage. Now you seem like the only one out there.
When you feel isolated and unheard, you still have three things that you can always rely on.
Here are things to focus on when you don’t have a partner after the divorce
You have this present moment. It’s easy to overlook and take for granted, especially when you’re preoccupied with your past. Are you consumed by what could have been? Are you rewriting in your mind what you should have done? Do you fantasize about what you think would have happened? These questions are all based on “If only …”
If only thoughts are examples of how to deal with your immutable past. When you look back and wish things could have been different, you regret it. If you regret it, guilt will guide you.
Now that you are alone, your thoughts also go into the future. The future can be scary. Where will you live Will you be alone forever If you worry about what will be, you are wasting energy unnecessarily. You get mentally and emotionally exhausted when you worry. Your thoughts and energy are helping to achieve the result you fear.
Fear is in the future. Guilt lies in the past. You only have NOW. And now is a nice gift. Embrace being here now. You are no longer faced with the stresses of your marriage and the discord of divorce. To breathe. Engage your senses in this moment. Pay attention to any smells or aromas. Feel the ground under your feet. Look into the horizon and enjoy the sights. Open a window or door and listen to cars or animals passing by in nature. Have your tea or coffee and really try it.
Involving your five senses is a great exercise for bringing your mind, body, and spirit into the present moment. When you live with your mind here and now, you feel free. You are free to be yourself. You are no longer involved in the marriage and can rediscover your true nature.
Your point of view
Rediscovering your true nature leads to having your own point of view. When you are married you are part of a unit. There is give and take when it comes to parenting, finances, in-laws, holidays, and more. As you compromise, you gradually lose part of yourself.
There is a place in marriage for compromise and the creation of new solutions. But now that you are single, you can discover what really represents you! It’s exciting to be without a partner and get to know each other again. Think about your likes and dislikes when it comes to clothing, food, fitness, sports, movies, friends, vacations, savings, and planning.
Explore each of the above categories in turn. Did you dress to please your spouse? Now is the time to discover what you like. Did you eat out at his favorite place? Find a new place that is yours alone! If you can get your toe to find your own point of view, do so with the delight of a child splashing in a puddle. The discovery process is not about looking back with regret but moving forward and learning about yourself.
Without a partner you can hug YOU! Enjoy this time to get to know each other again. It really is a gift!
Nothing can stop you now! There are no barriers to negotiation, compromise or judgment. You can explore the possibilities that lie before you and that are invisible. If you implant yourself in the now and live your life from your own perspective, you have opportunities.
Look at areas of your life that you want to expand. Target the new and good. What new opportunities are there in terms of work, housing, friendships and education? How can you explore this?
Make a list and be clear about what you want to experience. You have to know what you want to get it. Go ahead and make your list for today only.
Take action and ask your friends for an introduction to those who are influential in an area in which you want to grow. Join meet-up groups. Search the web. You can hit the jackpot!
If you don’t have a partner, enjoy the melancholy sound of the above quoted text “Under the Bridge”. But choose to live joyfully as you explore to be alone at this time in your life. Embrace the now. Rediscover your point of view and experience new possibilities! Without being a partner gives you so many opportunities to learn and grow. Face forward and go!