The decision to divorce is never an easy one. I know I certainly didn’t take it lightly. I grew up believing that marriage was forever, which meant that divorce wasn’t an option in my world.
I struggled with not getting divorced for years. When I didn’t have it as an option, I had to suppress all feelings of unfulfilling my relationship. It felt like a double-edged sword; On the one hand I felt trapped in the relationship and on the other hand I was slowly dying inside.
What is the doubt about a divorce? It’s dark, motionless, cloudy, paralyzing. It plays tricks on your mind. It asks, “What if?” It negotiates parts of your soul. It guesses what your inner knowing already knows.
There is a deep memory within us, but we shove it, suppress it, deny it, keep giving it away with distractions and excuses. We turned it off. We are good at pretending to have a smile on our face.
We learn to use excuses as reasons: “But the kids, my family, my friends. I have to start over. Who will want me Where will i go What will people say about me? “We pile excuses on the walls of the fortress that we built for ourselves. We see the writings on the wall, but the outside have no idea because we never really let anyone in.
If “they” saw our walls, they would be disappointed. So we get strategic when we pretend we’re doing it. “Life is fine. I’m ok The children are alright. “But a volcano is stirring inside.
Eventually the walls start to crack because it’s so hard to hold it all together. It shows up as fear, substance abuse, eating disorders, restlessness, overwhelming darkness, cystic acne, and a faint inner light within us. The body leaves clues, but we become masters in the art of denial. We focus on symptoms and never speak to the elephant in the room.
It feels like a game of betrayal.
“Maybe it doesn’t exist if I don’t talk about it.” We make false connections because vulnerability will destroy the fortress and bring the truth to light. The fortress we are building feels like a dark and lonely place, a cage built by our own hands.
At some point the universe will hear your desperate cries. It will never leave you It will send a lifeline in the form of a new friendship, a book, a powerful message that will shake you to the core, a mentor, a whisper of the truth.
Something will cause a shift in perception, which by definition is a miracle. This shift will give a glimmer of hope, a streak of light penetrating through the cracks on the walls. The darkness feels a little brighter than yesterday.
When this miracle happens, you will never be the same again. You will start to see things through a different lens. You cannot unlearn the miracle. There’s no way to put the cat back in your pocket, much as you might want to go back to sleep.
Women ask me, “How do I know if a divorce is the right option for me?” This is a question that only you can answer yourself. Only you know if you have love for your partner in your heart. Only you know if you like who you are with this person. Only you know whether you leave room in the relationship to live your authentic truth.
I believe it is a decision we make every day, and when you find yourself in a place where you know in your heart that this relationship is no longer fulfilling you, then don’t doubt it for a minute.
At the end of my marriage, I had no doubt that a divorce was right for me. I felt confident that I didn’t like who I had become in this relationship and that if I had stayed in the marriage I would have to give up the freedom to discover the truth about who I was. I was no longer willing to negotiate parts of myself in order to stay married.
That is until today; I had a friend plant a seed of doubt.
At the time, my friend happened to be going through her own marital battles. She projected her fear onto me and it caused an internal war. “Marisa, are you sure that you tried everything? But what about the kids? Maybe there is something else that you haven’t investigated? “Were the words that came out of her mouth and I digested them as my truth.
Before this conversation, I knew that I had tried everything. I had no doubt my marriage was over.
Shortly afterwards I asked my husband if we could talk. Against my better judgment, I told him all the fears that I had planted in my friend’s head: “Maybe we haven’t tried everything. What about the kids? “As soon as the words left my mouth, my stomach began to twist. He responded with conditions that felt like he was trying to get me back into the cage I was so desperate to escape from.
Your body will tell you everything it needs to know.
I felt like I was choking on the conditions pouring out of his mouth. I couldn’t breathe. All I heard in my head was, “NO, NO, NO! I gave you a lifeline, Marisa, and you have to take it. “
As women, we are conditioned to doubt ourselves. We believe that other people know what is best for us and we stop trusting our inner knowing. We separate from the inner truth.
Nobody knows better than you what to do or what decisions to make. Don’t doubt what you already know to be true. Your inner voice has never led you astray and will never lead you astray. Let your inner knowledge be the guiding star that leads you back to your truth.
If you have any doubts and really need to speak to someone, feel free to book a free coaching session with me. To book here, click the link: https://calendly.com/coachmarisa/sample-event-type?month=2020-11